


Don't Drown for the Sake of Me

by Gabrielle_Renee



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, past eruri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-10 00:04:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2003217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabrielle_Renee/pseuds/Gabrielle_Renee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Early one morning Levi attempts to escape his problems by the wrong means. Eren, a stranger, stops him. One promise made in a moment of hysteria could very well save Levi from himself. A road trip with an outspoken, free spirit doesn't seem like the worst thing to agree to. /AU. /Past Eruri. [TW. Suicide attempts; Eating disorders; Depression; Self harm; Sexuality discrimination.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A man short in stature, thin, shivered as he walked beside a road. His arms were crossed, kept tight against himself. A bottle of aspirin was in his grasp.

Levi's breaths were visible in the cold air. He had nothing with him, save for a very thin layer of black clothing and an almost empty wallet. His last dollars had gone to the charity of buying the pills.

Levi was a man who saw the worst in the world. He saw the lies, the hatred. Everything left a burning sense of discomfort within him. He has tried to ignore it, and he's tried to find something good in the world. However, you can only bury your feelings for so long. Now it just seemed easier to stop everything once and for all.

Why would he continue living in a world that has no good in it? There's only one way for Levi to find peace – in death. He's thought about it long enough, and he knows it has to be done. Levi has wanted to die for a long time. The only thing stopping him was Erwin.

 _Erwin._ The name struck a bad feeling in Levi.

Levi was in a relationship with Erwin for five years until last night. He was the one who stopped Levi from killing himself many times before. But he wasn't here this time.

 _Even he has given up on me._ Levi mused to himself. It's understandable; a person can only stay in deep water for so long.

He stopped walking and eyed the bottle of cheap drugstore-bought aspirin. It has ninety pills in it. _More than enough pills to kill a man._ It's known that overdosing is painful. He's quite okay with that. He's too far gone to feel doubtful.

He wanted to be dead. He would swallow these pills and die an excruciating, slow death. This is it. There will be no more waiting around for him. It has to be done.

He is going to die from his own ruin.

Levi seemed to fall back as he sat on the cold bench beside the sidewalk. There were no tears on his cheeks; from the eyes of a stranger he seemed to appear fine. Yet even with his apparent composure, his hands shook as he attempted to open the bottle.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't open the bottle. His hands were shaking too much.

On what seemed to be the one hundredth try to open the bottle, Levi stood up in a fit of anger. _Why does everything seem to be against letting him just die?!_ He threw the bottle to the ground. At this the bottle opened. Pills scattered onto the ground. Levi watched the capsules roll on the sidewalk.

_"Levi, you need help." Hanji had said to him a little less than a week ago._

_"No, I don't. I'm perfectly fine. Stop worrying about me, and mind your own business." Was what Levi had replied with. His voice had taken on a sudden tone anger that seemed to surprise Hanji._

_"For the sake of my own sanity, would you just stop for once? Stop with the lies at least. You look like a bag of bones! You're going to kill yourself if you keep on like this!" She had said with a frown._

_"Even if I die it's not like anyone would miss me anyway." He had bitterly stated._

_"Is that what you really think?"_

_"Oh, no, sorry. People wouldn't miss me; they would miss me cleaning up after every single one of you goddamn slobs. That's just about all I'm good for, anyways." He had said sarcastically."I'm not anyone's fucking maid!"_

_"Levi... Nobody thinks of you as a maid. You're a good person. No one wants you to die." Hanji had a sad look on her face._

_"Has the thought ever occurred to you that maybe I don't care what you want? Why can't anyone just let me be already?! I'm not your problem that you need to fix!"_

_"You always want to help people; why can't you just put in some effort to help yourself for once?!"_

_"For the last fucking time, Hanji, I don't need any help!" His voice was too loud._

_"Don't you realize that you're starting to bring everyone down with you?! Have you even taken the time to see how this is affecting Erwin?!" Hanji was starting to yell too. "There are people here that care about you!"_

_"I can't stand this." Levi had shouted before walking out and slamming the door behind him. It had echoed throughout Hanji's home._

"...Sir?" A timid voice had Levi's eyes opening with shock. _When was it that he had closed them?_ "Are you okay?"

The stranger's question wasn't answered; the heavy silence put a feeling of dread in the other.

"Sir... Why don't you come with me? It's cold out here, and my car has heat."

"... No." Levi's voice was quiet.

"Please, just for a while? Why don't you tell me what's bothering you? We could stay together for a while and chat. I think that would be nice, yeah?" The newcomer's expression seemed to hold anxiety as Levi stared into his eyes.

"Why would I do that? I don't know you. Leave me alone; this isn't your problem." His tone took on one of spite.

The stranger's temper seemed to flare up at this, yet he managed to stay calm.

"It's true that we don't know each other. Just entertain me this one time? My name is Eren. What's yours?" A small, hopeful smile formed on Eren's face.

Levi finally looked away with a frown and didn't say anything. Eren's smile fell.

"Come on, it's freezing out here. We could go to my place and have hot chocolate if you'd like that. I'll make it myself."

Again, Levi was unresponsive.

"You know, homemade hot chocolate always tastes better than store-bought. My mom taught me a really good recipe for it. I think you'd enjoy it." He persisted. Eren's expression seemed to get more worried by the second.

By then, Levi had sunk bank onto the bench and put his face in his hands. He was quiet, desperately trying to keep his composure. Levi kept his face covered and whispered, "Would you please just leave me alone?"

Eren took a few steps forward, and took off his thick green jacket. He sat down next to him and hesitantly put it around Levi's shoulders. Both men were quiet.

"No, I won't. You don't have to deal with whatever you're having trouble with like this." Eren had finally stated with determination. "Definitely, not like this." He whispered. It would've gone unheard if it wasn't so eerily quiet.

His soft words seemed to strike something within the other.

"It's Levi. My name is Levi." He stated, not raising his head. He just wanted to die _so badly_.

It was quite the sight – two grown men sitting beside each other in this way at about five thirty in the morning. They stayed like this for a while. Levi with his head down and Eren just sitting there with him, watching this sky.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren brings Levi home for hot chocolate.

 "Hey... Levi." Eren finally said at a low volume. "The sun is rising; It's pretty. You should watch it with me."

 After a couple of minutes, Levi finally uncovered his face. He looked over at Eren. He didn't have his eyes on him. They were focused towards the sky. The rising sun gave a pleasant glow to Eren's features.

_He looks so open... and happy._ Levi mused and looked towards the skyline.

 After the sun rose the world seemed to start to wake up around them. Birds started singing, and a few cars started to pass on the road. It was still cold, but the air generally felt warmer.

 "I think I'd like to take you up on that offer now." Levi stated.

 Instantly Eren's mouth formed a big grin.

 "What?" Levi had a slight frown.

 "Oh, sorry, I'm just glad!" Eren stood up, dusted off his pants, and offered a hand to help Levi stand. It was ignored; he stood up on his own.

 Levi finally noticed Eren's car. It was a maroon, 1960s model Volkswagen van. Whenever both men got into the vehicle, Eren studied Levi's expression.

 "What's the matter?" Eren asked.

 "You have a hippie wagon?" Levi asked with a raised eyebrow. _He appears to be such an odd person._ He thought to himself.

 "I like it." He shrugged and turned the ignition, unphased by Levi's question.

_He must get told that a lot._ Levi didn't say anymore.

 The car ride was silent. Eren didn't seem interested in playing music. Levi was grateful; it was tranquil.

 Even though it was warm, Levi pulled Eren's jacket tighter around himself. Something about it was comforting.

 

* * *

 

 After about thirty minutes Eren had parked his vehicle and unlocked the door to his home. Levi had expected it to be an uncomfortable apartment in the city. For it to be messy and cluttered; he was wrong.

 It was welcoming, and in the rural part of the area. Everything seemed to have it's place in the white two story home. The natural lighting was pleasant. It smelled similar to the way Eren's van had: like pine trees and wildflowers. The decorations were quite unusual, but nothing of Eren seemed to be normal. How he could afford a place like this; he didn't know. It was huge.

 For being in the home of a stranger, Levi felt unusually relaxed.

 "Hey, Armin." Eren said with a smile. A boy with blonde hair sitting in a chair near a window nodded towards the two and continued reading the book in his hands.

_His brother?_ Levi wondered to himself. He didn't voice his curiosity and blindly followed Eren until they reached the kitchen.

 "You can sit if you'd like." Eren said, gesturing towards the table where a girl was currently sitting. Levi noticed that Eren hadn't introduced him to anyone in the house.

 Following Eren's suggestion, Levi sat down. He glanced down at the girl's fingers, which were tapping at the table. There were cuts on the back of her hand. It looked like teeth marks to him. Her shoulders were tense, and her lips were down turned.

 Eren pulled out various items to prepare hot chocolate. It was close to springtime, but he didn't seem to mind making it. Levi hadn't had chocolate in years. He felt as if his discipline over food had left him even though Eren hasn't yet taken out cups.

 "Sasha, do you want any? I'm making hot chocolate." Eren looked over his shoulder. He was already standing in front of the stove.

 "No, thank you." She replied.

 "Are you sure? You're always eating us out of home." Eren joked.

 Sasha only smiled until Eren turned away. Levi narrowed his eyes at this. Something about her seemed off to him.

 "Is anyone else here?" Eren asked.

 "No one besides for Armin, you, and whoever he is. I think Bertholdt might be upstairs." Sasha stated, looking over at Levi. "Everyone went shopping about ten minutes ago. Today is Saturday, remember?"

 The room went silent. Eren turned off the stove. He stared intensely at her.

 Levi was trying to ignore them. The room had started to feel uncomfortable. Just what kind of people did he end up involving himself with?

 "They left all of you here by yourselves?!" Eren demanded.

 "Yeah." The girl shrugged.

 Levi fidgeted with the sleeves of Eren's jacket while he stared at his lap. It was a nervous habit. _What's so serious about leaving these people home alone?_

 "Why?" He sounded aspirated.

 "Everyone thought that you would be here."

 " _Shit._ " Levi heard Eren mutter to himself. He ran out the room.

_This was a mistake. He already has problems of his own. I shouldn't have came here. I'm such a waste of time. I should have just killed myself the first time I had the chance._

 "Hey, are you okay?" Levi jumped at the sound of Sasha's concerned voice. He'd forgotten for a short moment that she was there.

 "Don't worry about me." Levi frowned. He was so _sick_ of being everyone's problem.

 A silence followed until Eren reappeared at the doorway. His fingers were tapping against his leg, eyebrows were knitted together in worry, and his teeth were biting at his lip.

 "Hey, uh. Shit." Eren looked behind him, then back to Levi. "Look, I have to go but-" He tensed when Levi stood.

 "Where are you going?" Sasha asked Levi once she noticed how distraught Eren looked.

 "You can't figure that out yourself?" Levi started to unzip Eren's jacket that he still hadn't returned. "I'm leaving. It's obvious that you're all busy." He stated when his question wasn't answered.

 "Levi, wait. I just. It's-" Eren sighed with one hand running through his hair. "I promise I'll be back. This is just an emergency and I really have to go. Please, just stay here."

 Levi frowned, but stopped taking off the jacket. He hesitated, "I shouldn't."

 "I'm sorry, I don't have time to argue. Sasha, talk to Levi, would you? And please don't go upstairs." Eren didn't wait for a reply before running out, leaving no room for argument. The two heard the front door slam shut a minute later.

 Levi looked at Sasha and sighed at her confused expression. She looked just as lost as himself. He got up and started to clean up the mess Eren had made. Being honest with himself, he was glad that he wouldn't have to drink Eren's hot chocolate. Sasha moved to help him.

 "He didn't tell you, did he?" Sasha asked as she started to dry and put away the dishes as Levi washed what was already in the sink.

 "I don't know what you're talking about."

 "This is a group home." Sasha said quietly. "I quote, for the mentally ill."

 Levi didn't look at her. He kept scrubbing at a plate with more force than what was necessary.

 "So I'm sure Eren has a good reason for leaving like that. Don't hate him for ditching you." She said in an apologetic tone. "This is my fault. I should have been more responsible and let him know that everyone left. I knew Eren wasn't here."

 He didn't reply. The two cleaned up the kitchen together in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to start updating at least once a week. Again, my tumblr is really-annie if you'd like to talk. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

 "Geez! How much longer are you going to spend cleaning? Just watching you is making me tired!" Sasha asked Levi.

 He didn't reply and kept scrubbing at the floor. He wasn't about to explain to her that he needed the distraction. If he didn't keep busy he'd most likely start dwelling too much. About how he shouldn't be here, what Erwin was doing right now, what other kind of people live in this house...

 He shook his head. He'd just started brooding even while he purposefully tried not to.

 "How do your knees not hurt? You've been doing that for, like, an hour!"

 Levi looked up at the clock on the wall. "No, I've been doing this for about thirty minutes. I've been cleaning this kitchen for the past two hours."

 Sasha groaned at this.

 "You're not the one cleaning, why are you complaining?" He frowned, remembering a similar conversation that happened about half a week prior.

_"Levi, there's no dirt on the floor. Put the broom away. Would you stop cleaning for a day?" Erwin had asked soon after returning from work to their apartment._

_"Why does it matter to you?" Levi had retorted._

_"All you do is stay at that studio, and when you are here all you do is clean. Do you even sleep anymore? I worry about you." Erwin had said with a frown, ignoring his question._

_"You're the one that told me I should distract myself. But of course you wouldn't know how I've been. You're never here."_

_"You know it's not my choice to work so often. I have to. There are bills that need to be paid."_

_"Don't act like I'm not trying to get a job." Levi had said with an annoyed voice._

_"Don't you see why you're not getting into any performances?" Erwin's mood started to match Levi's. When he didn't get an answer he continued, "You're not strong enough to dance professionally, Levi." Erwin's voice had softened._

_"I'm capable enough." He denied._

_"You're skin and bones." Levi didn't reply._

_"When's the last time you had a full meal? I haven't sat down and had dinner with you in weeks. This is getting out of hand. You're going to end up either dying or ruining your career. You have to stop."_

_"Dammit, Erwin! I eat enough. Stop nagging me about it already! Trust me, I wouldn't be as big as I am if I didn't eat." Levi's voice had risen._ Not that it would matter if I died, anyways. _He thought to himself._

_"Do you honestly think I'm stupid enough to believe that? You can't be over one hundred pounds. That's not healthy."_

_"I weigh one twelve. Have you forgotten how tall I am? That's a normal weight. Can we drop this now? Are you happy? You know how much I weigh, congrats." Levi replied, crossing his arms._

_"Don't lie to me." Erwin had said with spite._

_"I'm not lying! Just leave me alone already!" Levi had started to walk past Erwin, but he was stopped. "Let go of me." He said, looking down at the hand that was wrapped around his arm._

_"Prove it, then."_

_Levi glared at him with as much menace as he could put into one facial expression. Erwin started to pull Levi towards their restroom._

_"Stop." He'd protested, yanking his arm away from Erwin. He started walking the opposite direction, towards the door._

_"Let go of me for the last fucking time!" Levi fussed, flailing as Erwin forcibly pulled Levi over his shoulder and carried him into the bathroom._

_With both hands wrapped around Levi's waist, he noticed how over sized his clothes were. They had to be at least three sizes too big. Erwin pulled their scale in front of him with his foot._

_"Prove to me that you're not lying." He had said calmly, letting go of his hold on Levi. After regaining his composure, Levi had just glared at him and didn't step on the scale._

_"I shouldn't have to prove anything if you truly trust me." Levi muttered._

_"Last time you said that you were lying to me about trying to kill yourself." Erwin had a good point. Levi still refused to comply._

_"We can stay in here all day. You're not leaving until you weigh yourself."_

_After a long period of silence, Levi hesitantly stepped onto the scale in front of him. He felt Erwin looking over his shoulder._

_"Oh my god, Levi." He heard Erwin sigh._

_"There, you're welcome." Levi had said with a frown as he brushed past Erwin._

_Ninety three. Levi weighed ninety three pounds._

* * *

 

 "Hey." Eren said as he walked into the living room and saw Levi. He sounded a little out of breath. Armin paused the movie that he had been watching with Levi.

 Eren had a small smile on his face. "I'm glad you stayed."

 "You can finish watching this without me. It's fine." Levi said to Armin as he got up. He received a nod. "Can we go somewhere private to talk?" He asked Eren.

 "Yeah, sure. Follow me." Eren said, and started walking towards the back door. He led him outside to a swing set. Eren sat on one of the swings. Levi, although unsure, did the same.

 The two sat in silence for a while. Levi didn't know if Eren wasn't saying anything because he was too nervous, felt awkward, or if he just liked the quiet. His demeanor wasn't giving many clues at all. He simply sat there, swinging slightly while watching the birds.

 Eventually, Levi spoke up. It felt weird to him to be the one initiating conversation, but he did it regardless. "Why..." Levi hesitated. "Why did you stop me?"

 When Eren didn't answer him, Levi looked up and stopped fidgeting with his sleeves. His eyes widened at the intensity of Eren's eyes. He stared straight at Levi with an amount of fervency that he didn't know was possible.

 "Do you really not value yourself so much that you're convinced you don't deserve to be helped?" Eren asked with a concerned tone that surprised Levi.

 "I'm not anyone's responsibility." He replied, looking away with a frown.

 "Levi, look at me."

 Levi's frown deepened. He didn't comply.

 "Please." Eren whispered. His voice sounded breathless again.

 He forced himself to look at Eren. It's just the simple _loudness_ of concern that Eren's expression holds that he can't stand. _How could someone be that open and compassionate?_

 "Thank you." Eren sighed. "No, you're not my responsibility. You're right about that. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to help you or can't. Everyone deserves to be happy; don't you realize that?"

 "Is that why you brought me to a _group home_?" Levi bit out. Dammit, he was bad with dealing with emotional conversations.

 Eren frowned. He looked angry, but his voice didn't carry it. "This is my home, Levi. Don't say that like it's a bad thing. We help people here. My mother spent her whole life working towards this. I'm sorry if that sounds aggressive, but please don't ever think of group homes as a bad thing."

 "I hope you understand." Eren said with a small smile. It looked forced. "But, uh, to answer your question, no. I brought you here so that you could clear your head in a safe place. And I'm really sorry about having to leave. I hope you know that if you want or need to, you are welcome to stay. Sorry, I'm rambling. It's a bad habit. But now that we're talking about it; do you have anywhere to stay?"

 He thought to himself for a moment. After their fight, Levi doubted that Hanji wanted to see him. He doesn't have any family, and he certainly doesn't want to see Erwin. Not today. He can't go to a motel; he doesn't have the money for it. The town they're in isn't big enough to have a refuge. But staying in a group home?

 There aren't many options for him besides staying with Eren or going back to Erwin. The latter isn't appeasing at all. But would living with who knows how many other strangers with various disorders really be the best decision? Going back to Erwin might cause unnecessary drama. He can already imagine the arguments. Staying with Eren would be the first time he tried to get better. It might actually be beneficial.

 "Not anywhere I'd call home." Levi finally said.

 Eren nodded in understanding and stayed silent.

 He sighed, running a hand through his hair at the realization that he would have to go back to Erwin. "I don't have the money to stay here."

 Eren looked up from the dirt, seemingly searching for something. His eyebrows were concentrated together, and his lips were tight. Levi couldn't decide if he looked aggravated, or if he was just thinking about something. Either way, his muteness unnerved him.

 "Honestly, I think you keeping your life is more important than money." _Well. That wasn't expected_. Levi willed himself to keep a straight face. _What's with this guy's savior complex?_

 "I can't stay here for free." Levi countered. He wasn't about to try and argue that he wouldn't try his previous antics again soon. Eren would probably see through him, anyways.

 He does have some money saved up for emergencies, but it's not much. Wouldn't this count as an emergency? Staying at group homes usually cost around two thousand dollars a month. That would wipe out his savings within a few months. A lot of it had already been spent on paying rent for the apartment he shared with Erwin.

 "You can." Eren said with a straight face after a few minutes of silence.

 "I don't want to." Levi bit out.

 Eren instantly looked away. His cheeks were flushed, lips pursed, and jaw clenched. Levi glanced at his hands and watched Eren's knuckles turn white from gripping onto the swing's chain so tightly.

  _Someone has a temper._ Levi didn't say anything, waiting for Eren to argue in a fit of anger.

 "Okay, fine." Eren sighed. He got up and started walking back to the house.

 Levi's chest tightened. That wasn't the expected reaction. _What did he just do?_

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to Throneofwaste from tumblr for betaing this. uwu You should check out their fanfic: The Minutes of the Red People. I find that it's very interesting, original, and well written. It's worth reading if you haven't already!  
> Also to 3d-manoeuvre from tumblr for just generally being a huge help!  
> I'll upload more chapters very soon. My tumblr is really-annie if anyone would like to talk to me. ;u;  
> Thanks for reading!


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